, , , , , , , , ,

This is a little piece that I wrote yesterday (24th of Mai 2016), which does explain my recent blogging silence. Hopefully posting it will get me out of the slump. 

3 months

3 months ago my mother drew her very last breath.

I still cannot believe it. I cannot seem to grasp this new reality.

Sometimes things are very tough. Especially when realization comes crashing down on me like a tsunami.

3 months is a long time. So much can happen in 3 short months. I watched my daughter grow, develop an impressive bilingual vocabulary. I thought about my past, my present and what I want for my future. I got my creativity going again. Still these last three months have been foggy I am not experimenting Spring the way I did last year. I never experienced Spring so intensely as I did last year. I had no idea that the interests Spring so far would be the last one with my mother. 

In the last 3 months, I worked more and more regularly than I probably did in the past year.

3 months is a very short amount of time. It feels like yesterday that I held my mother’s hand to comfort her. And for many, many months to come it will still feel that way. 3 months are not enough for me to disperse the black clouds. These past 3 months have been tough.

I am still not ready to read the condolences letters, I have read a few. I am not ready to reply to the kind letters, emails and comments that have been addressed to me. 3 months are not enough time for me.

On the 11th of May last year my mother had received her diagnosis, since then things have been different. I am only now realizing the huge amount of stress and emotional strain that I have been through in the past year.

When at the end of April, I wrote about being zoned out, I had no idea that this was actually linked to a health problem of my own. The weight of the past year and especially of the past few months completely tumbled down on me. I was working more, blogging more (A to Z Challenge), spending a lot of time outside with my daughter and tried to be there for S when he was home. But with the emotional pain that I had gone through over the past year, I was somehow doing too much. Was I trying to avoid the hard facts of life by drowning them out through busyness and distractions? I was definitely not all that much there for myself. My system could no longer take it and gave me a painful lesson, it is called shingles. I had horrible back and kidney pain and then a huge rash on my left thigh and left lower back.

I listened to my body’s needs and slowed down a bit. Writing and blogging had to go on hold.

I slowed down, I slept a lot (I often found myself napping with my daughter), and drank a lot of water. By the time that I received the official diagnosis from my doctor the worst was behind me. The pain was mostly gone and my skin was healing again. She told me to get a lot of rest, that was on the one year anniversary of my mother’s diagnosis.

My energy gauge filled up again and little one came down with chickenpox. Another sleepless night, this time, it wasn’t me the culprit, it was my daughter plagued by itching.

I had hoped to get back to my writing, but a sick child won’t let her mother write.