When things become clearer

Since late August, I have a new student. And with this new student came a revelation.

Things are getting clearer.

Why did I want to become a journalist? WhWhy was I drawn to my parent’s friends, teachers, professors, older kids? Why am I so emotional? Why do I have a hard time finding motivation? Why with minimum effort, can I make it? Why I only ever passed with flying colours when I was interested 500%? Why did I consider doing a PhD? Why do I work as a teacher? Why did I not know how to kill time during my internship after high school? Why did I enjoy DJing, being head of music? Why did I not continue? Why could I spend days until midnight in the library? Why am I always thinking? Why do I remember unimportant details? Why do I enjoy going through administrative things (when it does not concern me)? Why can I not picture myself in a corporate office environment? Why did I fail maths in my last year at school and then pass the final exam with very good marks? Why did I quit studying economics? Why was I unhappy during my Master’s degree? Why did I start this blog?  Why did I fail philosophy when I loved reading about philosophy? Why do I write? Why do I feel awkward at times? Why do I love research? What keeps me from writing a book? Why do I want to change jobs when mine isn’t too bad? Why have I always asked myself existential questions (would green be green if I were you?)? Why do I cry when reading books? Why do I cry like there will be no tomorrow when I watch movies (and no one else is crying)?

Those are only a few questions for which I am finding answers.

When my student gave me my diagnosis, I did was at first perplex. Then I did what I always do, I started looking for answers, on the internet, in my memories.

Now, the speed of the questions racing through my head has slowed. I have found the time to find some answers. Last night, I sat down and wrote lists. I wanted to find out why I did things or wanted to do things.

Turns out that

  • I want to learn things/discover things
  • I have a longing to transmit knowledge/information
  • I love to research
  • want to be creative (mostly through writing)
  • I am scared of routine
  • I need to socialise, it’s like oxygen, but sometimes I get an oxygen flash and need some me time
  • I am eclectic
  • I need to feel there is a sense to what I am doing and it has to be interesting

Now, those things can be hindering, if I am bored, don’t see the point of something, don’t feel treated correctly, I will procrastinate, be lazy, not even put minimal effort into what I am meant to be doing. But they can also lead to being innovative, creative and finding interesting solutions.

I feel better now, I still have no idea what I will be doing in 5 years from now. But understanding my true self, my childhood, my past decisions, mistakes, and reactions will help me one day or another to find the right paths to follow, the signs will be there to guide me.

Maybe I’ll find the guts to try writing a book (I know everything about self-publishing, the fiscal rules and social status of authors in France, and I have not put all that many words onto a page yet), I will have to sink my teeth into it. Maybe open an old notebook, dusty document (ok being stored on a cloud server that’s not very likely) or even rummage a bit through my rather messy blog.

Maybe I will be back more soon, maybe not. Time will tell.

Thanks so much for reading!

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where to start?

I don’t know what to write today. That’s why this post is going up on a Sunday and not a few days ago. Actually, it is not that I don’t know what to write, it is that I have no idea where to start… Should I be writing a story, a little bit about my life at the moment, about how you can eat well and not ruin yourself financially, about not being a materialist, about motherhood and childrearing… the list of ideas is endless.

Maybe I shall write every idea on a piece of paper and then put them in a hat and pick one when I write?

My 30 to 31 challenge is all about getting myself back to writing. I have taken a few breaks from my blog and from the community that comes with it.
And now, I find myself dragging my feet as if I had to jump head first into troubled ice cold water, while not being able to swim.

Does it matter if no one reads my post? It should not!

Is it a big problem if I don’t engage with everyone who comments? Personally, I don’t feel bad if my comments on other blogs or Instagram posts aren’t answered. It is nice to receive a reply, a return visit, a new follower when we comment elsewhere, but I know we all have (or should have) lives outside of our social media.

Personally, I tried to reply always to comments, visit back when I can, BUT this has in the past lead to blogging exhaustion (thus the many breaks). Which is not fun. You end up being scared of your blog as if you were contractually obliged to engage 24/7. But after a certain time, I start missing writing, the feedback, the community and I come back to it, promising myself that this time I won’t over-engage.

So, what now? I want blogging to be fun again, not to be a chore.