When things become clearer

Since late August, I have a new student. And with this new student came a revelation.

Things are getting clearer.

Why did I want to become a journalist? WhWhy was I drawn to my parent’s friends, teachers, professors, older kids? Why am I so emotional? Why do I have a hard time finding motivation? Why with minimum effort, can I make it? Why I only ever passed with flying colours when I was interested 500%? Why did I consider doing a PhD? Why do I work as a teacher? Why did I not know how to kill time during my internship after high school? Why did I enjoy DJing, being head of music? Why did I not continue? Why could I spend days until midnight in the library? Why am I always thinking? Why do I remember unimportant details? Why do I enjoy going through administrative things (when it does not concern me)? Why can I not picture myself in a corporate office environment? Why did I fail maths in my last year at school and then pass the final exam with very good marks? Why did I quit studying economics? Why was I unhappy during my Master’s degree? Why did I start this blog?  Why did I fail philosophy when I loved reading about philosophy? Why do I write? Why do I feel awkward at times? Why do I love research? What keeps me from writing a book? Why do I want to change jobs when mine isn’t too bad? Why have I always asked myself existential questions (would green be green if I were you?)? Why do I cry when reading books? Why do I cry like there will be no tomorrow when I watch movies (and no one else is crying)?

Those are only a few questions for which I am finding answers.

When my student gave me my diagnosis, I did was at first perplex. Then I did what I always do, I started looking for answers, on the internet, in my memories.

Now, the speed of the questions racing through my head has slowed. I have found the time to find some answers. Last night, I sat down and wrote lists. I wanted to find out why I did things or wanted to do things.

Turns out that

  • I want to learn things/discover things
  • I have a longing to transmit knowledge/information
  • I love to research
  • want to be creative (mostly through writing)
  • I am scared of routine
  • I need to socialise, it’s like oxygen, but sometimes I get an oxygen flash and need some me time
  • I am eclectic
  • I need to feel there is a sense to what I am doing and it has to be interesting

Now, those things can be hindering, if I am bored, don’t see the point of something, don’t feel treated correctly, I will procrastinate, be lazy, not even put minimal effort into what I am meant to be doing. But they can also lead to being innovative, creative and finding interesting solutions.

I feel better now, I still have no idea what I will be doing in 5 years from now. But understanding my true self, my childhood, my past decisions, mistakes, and reactions will help me one day or another to find the right paths to follow, the signs will be there to guide me.

Maybe I’ll find the guts to try writing a book (I know everything about self-publishing, the fiscal rules and social status of authors in France, and I have not put all that many words onto a page yet), I will have to sink my teeth into it. Maybe open an old notebook, dusty document (ok being stored on a cloud server that’s not very likely) or even rummage a bit through my rather messy blog.

Maybe I will be back more soon, maybe not. Time will tell.

Thanks so much for reading!

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A Fresh Start

So, I turned 30 on Monday (20th of August). I have come to the end of a very important decade of my life.

4 out of my 5 years of higher education happened during this time, I have been together with S. for almost 9 years, I started to work, I gave birth to two lovely kids who are now 4 and a half and almost 18 months old, I lost my mother to cancer. This seems like quite an important decade to me.

Now, I am not going to cry about my lost youth. Guess what? On my birthday I felt as if I was 24 again, just with a lot fewer worries. Why 24 you might ask? Well, it was the last birthday before pregnancies/kids. When I turned 25 I was going through horrible morning sickness… And all my birthdays since spent with kids. On Monday, my dad agreed to babysit and S. went on a lunch date that stretched quite a bit into the afternoon.

Instead of crying about my youth, I see this as an opportunity, I have a fresh new decade in front of me. Lately, I have been thinking about a lot about my future. I don’t see myself teaching German forever (it is lucrative and is working better than ever, my experience, age, education etc must be responsible for some of that), but I am a child of my generation (I am a “millennial”) and feel the urge to do something different, to do something new. I catch myself thinking about what to do now, but I am certain we never actually ask ourselves the right questions, those come from outside of our closest circles.

When I applied for a job earlier this year, I realised that I am now ready for something new, that I am grown up and mature. Just what will I be doing in the future? I don’t know, and I suppose that I will find out in the future. There is just one thing I know, I want to will write more, maybe a book and I will properly revive my blog!

Thank you for reading 😍😘

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This post is part of my 30 to 31 challenge. Between my 30th birthday and my 31st, I will try, and give my best to write one post (from the cuff) per week (if I must this will be done on my phone).

If you feel like joining the fun for your 23 to 24 challenge or 51 to 52 or whatever your age is… then go ahead, and if you link back to my post of the week and I’ll do my best to give you a shout out. 


© Solveig Werner 2018. All rights reserved.