3 months

death, Thoughts 2 Minutes

This is a little piece that I wrote yesterday (24th of Mai 2016), which does explain my recent blogging silence. Hopefully posting it will get me out of the slump. 

3 months

3 months ago my mother drew her very last breath.

I still cannot believe it. I cannot seem to grasp this new reality.

Sometimes things are very tough. Especially when realization comes crashing down on me like a tsunami.

3 months is a long time. So much can happen in 3 short months. I watched my daughter grow, develop an impressive bilingual vocabulary. I thought about my past, my present and what I want for my future. I got my creativity going again. Still these last three months have been foggy I am not experimenting Spring the way I did last year. I never experienced Spring so intensely as I did last year. I had no idea that the interests Spring so far would be the last one with my mother. 

In the last 3 months, I worked more and more regularly than I probably did in the past year.

3 months is a very short amount of time. It feels like yesterday that I held my mother’s hand to comfort her. And for many, many months to come it will still feel that way. 3 months are not enough for me to disperse the black clouds. These past 3 months have been tough.

I am still not ready to read the condolences letters, I have read a few. I am not ready to reply to the kind letters, emails and comments that have been addressed to me. 3 months are not enough time for me.

On the 11th of May last year my mother had received her diagnosis, since then things have been different. I am only now realizing the huge amount of stress and emotional strain that I have been through in the past year.

When at the end of April, I wrote about being zoned out, I had no idea that this was actually linked to a health problem of my own. The weight of the past year and especially of the past few months completely tumbled down on me. I was working more, blogging more (A to Z Challenge), spending a lot of time outside with my daughter and tried to be there for S when he was home. But with the emotional pain that I had gone through over the past year, I was somehow doing too much. Was I trying to avoid the hard facts of life by drowning them out through busyness and distractions? I was definitely not all that much there for myself. My system could no longer take it and gave me a painful lesson, it is called shingles. I had horrible back and kidney pain and then a huge rash on my left thigh and left lower back.

I listened to my body’s needs and slowed down a bit. Writing and blogging had to go on hold.

I slowed down, I slept a lot (I often found myself napping with my daughter), and drank a lot of water. By the time that I received the official diagnosis from my doctor the worst was behind me. The pain was mostly gone and my skin was healing again. She told me to get a lot of rest, that was on the one year anniversary of my mother’s diagnosis.

My energy gauge filled up again and little one came down with chickenpox. Another sleepless night, this time, it wasn’t me the culprit, it was my daughter plagued by itching.

I had hoped to get back to my writing, but a sick child won’t let her mother write.

Published

30 thoughts on “3 months”

    1. Thank you Lucy.
      My physical health is good and my daughter is better too, just in such need for motherly attention (maybe I am using that as an excuse just a little bit).
      Thank you for the hugs, they are definitely welcome 🙂

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  2. Shingles at your age – wow, I’m sorry you had them. And your daughter with chicken pox is a bit of a hurtful irony – that’s the root cause of your shingles, not your daughter, but chicken pox.

    I think three months is a very short time to readjust to the world. I’m sure it will be a little while before you find the new normal without your mom. I hope some of the stress is going away and that you can enjoy a beautiful summer!

    I understand needing the creative outlet and wanting to get back into writing. I also understand why it is difficult. I hope your daughter is feeling better and you have a great week!

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    1. Sometimes I get a blast of pain, but I think the worst is behind me, I have heard some horror stories of people having months of pain that could only be cured by seeing a healer.
      I guess I fall into the category of stress induced shingles… I always thought it was a condition for elder people.
      We are definitely better, physically speaking. Mentally it will take some more time.

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  3. 3 months is such a short time – don’t expect too much of yourself. Just being for a while, being with your family, your sick little girl. I’ve thought of you often, wondering how you are. Lovely to see you back here but take good care of yourself. Warmest hugs xx

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  4. I’m so sorry for you, dear. I’ve been through it myself — am STILL going through it. Don’t think of it in terms of how long it’s been, because in many ways, time doesn’t make a difference. It’s true that time will allow you to better cope with your loss, but coping and healing are two very different things. A hurt like the loss of a parent never really goes away, you just find a place for it in your new reality. I’ve written extensively on the subject of loss, and although I don’t presume to say that the things that helped me will help you, maybe some type of weekly practice such as what I did will help to order your thoughts on life and death. I’m including the link to my alternate blog, but if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to e-mail me.

    https://ayearinthedeath.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely and supportive comment.
      My grandmother passed away ten years ago, and the truth be told I do miss her a lot.
      Writing about it dow seem to help. I don’t want to rush things thus I am taking my time with reading condolence letters and other things like going through her things.
      Your blog looks super interesting and I am going to read that 🙂
      thank you xx

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  5. Solveig, one important criteria to remember for people with sick family members is that we have to give ourselves oxygen before we can help others. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. GRIEVE!! Get your feelings out… whatever they may be. I have gone through series of family losses so I know how traumatic losing family can be. My brother died 22 years ago and I STILL miss him. Please take care of yourself… take time for yourself. Busy work will not allow you to process your feelings. TAKE CARE!! Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Gwynn!
      I am not too busy with work, 10h a week is doable 🙂
      It’s just that my alone time seems to be quite limited lately, and a mom with or without having lost someone does need some alone time to take care of herself.

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. However, losing a parent is a very traumatic event and I’m not too surprised to hear you Internalizing that loss into the point of illness. Ugh! Shingles. : ( Just take care of yourself and your family. That should be your only focus for now. And give it time, three months is nothing.

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  7. I, too, realized I had been filling every moment, and that the moment-filling was crushing me. I was not able to heal–and hurting myself more–as long as every moment was full and I didn’t stop to reflect why.

    I’ve read maybe two dozen posts the last six weeks or so, taking as much time as I can find to tend to myself. This morning, I am able to read your post because I am home sick. But recovering … as I hope you continue to do.

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  9. I hope you both feel better, I have heard shingles and chicken pox are related to each other, yet it seems unfair that you both had to get ill. Healing from loss takes time, sending you peaceful thoughts.

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  12. Poor you. Shingles are horrible, and definitely related to your mother’s death. Emotional stress always comes out in a physical way, don’t I know it. Thinking about you. Hugs!

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  16. I’m so sorry for your loss Solveig. Grief is an insidious but necessary thing. I’m so glad you’re now recovering your health The loss may take more time to adjust to.

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  17. My condolences. Things do take time, and we all have a problem, I think, with letting the time do its work. It does sound, though, like you are doing what you need to. Maybe not precisely when, but your body is insisting you do eventually.
    Take all the time you think you need, but when a Doctor tells you it’s time to move on, try to heed his/her advice. Too long in mourning is not a good thing, either.

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  18. Oh my gosh Solveig. Shingles? That’s a horrible malady, I understand it’s very painful, because the virus sits at the nerve endings. I am glad you are feeling better though and your daughter has recovered fairly unscathed.
    Please get lots of rest, and sunshine and fresh air. My thoughts are with you!

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  19. I can’t ‘like’ this post at all. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother, Solveig. Three months definitely wouldn’t be enough time for me… hopefully, though, you’ll find the time and patience to heal at the rate you need to. My thoughts are with you.

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  20. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and heartache you’ve been going through the past year – but especially the past several months.

    My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. My mother has been gone for 5 years, but it is a rare day that I don’t think of her.

    I hope your health issues are behind you now and the summer ahead is looking full of hope and optimism.

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    1. Thank you Joanne. I much appreciate your kind words.
      I am fully enjoying the summer that has finally arrived at last. I still have a strange skin condition on my feet (I have had about 3 different diagnosis from doctors on the matter) but in a bit more than a week I will finally be seeing a dermatologist, they should know…
      I hope that you are doing well yourself, I will be stopping by your blog soon, I have a bit of catching up to do.

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