My heart is aching

NanoPoblano2015, Thoughts, Weekend Coffee Share 1 Minute

I am lost for words, my heart is aching. I cannot believe the things that happened here last night. None of this should have happened! A life should not end by anything other than a natural death.

My thoughts are with those who lost loved ones. My soul is aching for the lost souls.

Today, I wanted to start the day in peace. I wanted to write, I wanted to have you over for coffee. I can do all of that, while others can no longer, thus I am starting my day with a heavy heart. I envy my daughter for her intrinsic happiness, her joyfulness while playing this morning.

Late last night the worries started to creep into my mind. Do I know anyone who has been deprived of their life, who has been hurt, who has lost someone dear? Even if I have lost touch with old friends, I am convinced that a friend is a friend, no matter how often we communicate.

With all of this, I don’t know if we would be having coffee today. But it would definitely be nice to have you join me for a while.

I am not sure how all of this will affect my commitment to NanoPoblano and NaNoWriMo, my blog reading and my commenting, but I might be a bit quieter and reserved over the days to come. 

Much love, Solveig

Published

62 thoughts on “My heart is aching”

  1. I am not feeling much like coffee either. I just wrote my post before going to sleep. I’ll post it when Diana posts so I can link up. But I dint blame you for not wanting to write too much today.

    I hope you find some peace. And remember that if we hide away and go off by ourselves, the terrorists win.

    Peace. Hugs. Healing.

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    1. Dear Corina, thank you so much for your message! I know that writing normally gives me inner peace, but I don’t know what the effect will be on my writing…
      I definitely do not want them to win, I don’t want to live in fear. I will continue my life, and it does seem that the city is trying its best so that this can be done. My fiancé went to work earlier today as his colleague is scared and does not want to go.
      Thanks for the hugs!

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      1. I find writing therapeutic. Get it out through writing. It’s fine if it takes your writing to a dark place…it will get some of that darkness out of you and that’s a good thing. If it doesn’t fit with your NaNo project, start another. Words are words, they count the same regardless of what they say. Just combine all the words for your count and you’re fine.

        I’m here if you need to “talk”. Open ears, open mind, sturdy shoulder, and lots of Kleenex.

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        1. In a way I followed your advice. I have a long piece written and scheduled for tomorrow, I do hope that it will be the last dark thing for a while, but I am not sure.
          I will see when I will get back into my NaNo project, I don’t want it to be tainted black…
          Thank you for everything. I suppose so many of us need to talk, lighten our hearts.

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  2. I don’t know what it’s like to be so close to a terrorist attack like this. I would be worried about friends and family. The band that was playing in the theatre was actually seen by one of my friends and his children back in Canada just a few weeks ago, so this kind of hit close to home for him.

    All I want to say “stop it.” And I want to ask everyone who does things like his, “why are you doing this? Why can’t we all just get along? Why must we always use violence against people we disagree with?” When it comes down to it, people who do this are like children having tantrums. They seem to be out of control.

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    1. I am about 6km away, or 20 minutes with public transportation. I used to go to a lot of concerts when younger, so this made me think a lot (I would have probably gone to the gig in question 6 or 7 years ago). Last week I almost went to join a friend in the neighbourhood to celebrate her birthday, but things turned out differently. It definitely feels strange.
      Every time that there is a terrorist attack, I want it to be the last one!
      Just that you can control a kid with a tantrum…

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      1. Wow. Just thinking about how things could have been worse if you’d done something different makes you wonder about your own decisions.

        At the moment, I’m seriously wondering about people I know on Facebook because of this. There are so many incredibly strong emotions right now that some of them are saying things that are incredibly insensitive and hateful. I had to unfriend someone because almost all he ever does is use his very fundamentalist Christianity to attack Muslims, gay people, and anyone who disagrees with his beliefs.

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        1. You might like what I wrote yesterday, I did mention the need to open our arms to the refugees. I am not on Facebook, and am sorry to hear what you are seeing on there.
          I guess there are many people who are in disbelief as they were hesitating to go out, decided to not go to the concert after all, decided to go to a different part of town etc.

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          1. I can understand that people would feel reluctant to go out. Have you seen the video of the Muslim man who blindfolded himself and told everyone that people think he’s a terrorist. Do they trust him enough to hug him?

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            1. I did see it yesterday. My best friend is muslim, but you cannot see it as she doesn’t dress that way.
              I do think he wanted to spread the message that we should not only judge by appearance…

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  3. “When will they ever learn?” Fanatics are a dangerous breed of their own. One individual fanatic is a nuisance, as a horde they are lethal. The current events are a heavy blow below the belt of humanity.
    Dear Solveig, be brave. We are with you and all the citizens of Paris.

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    1. I am not sure. I do hope that things will be fine, that we don’t have to live in fear. In a way I guess that at the moment Paris might actually be the safest city in the world.
      I am trying to think positively, but it is not always possible.
      Thank you!

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      1. According to the news, the French government has taken major precautions. We all need to be grateful for every little bit of hope.
        All the best, Solveig. Be strong.

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        1. Thank you, I am building up strength. Yesterday being alone felt very strange, today I have the feeling that I am coping a lot better. I am hopefully done with heartbreaking posts, today should be the last.
          Thank you Karen!

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  4. Hi Solveig,
    I have been thinking of you all day today and hoping and praying you are okay. Such a horrific thing. We had a terrorist siege in Sydney about a year ago and an old friend I used to work with was one of the hostages. The siege ended in the middle of the night and was quite extended so we were watching the TV waiting, not knowing who was in there and Martin Place is like the heart of Sydney. The French gathered there tonight to hold a vigil. Sydney Opera House has the colours of the tricouleur tonight.
    I am quite a bellever in serendipity and it is quite incredible timing that this happens in the midst of my “return” to Paris. When I write, I really aim to get into inside the characters’ skin and in this instance,, I am rewriting a short-story I rote beside the Seine late at night when I was riddled with angst. I have rewalked those streets on Google Earth and it was incredible and then this happens and mentally I have been living and breathing Paris and bang.
    It’s quite a strange experience and I’m sure as a writer, you have that ability to climb into other people’s shoes.
    So I send you and Parisians in residence and those who are scattered around who share a sense of solidarite my love.
    xx Rowena

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    1. Thank you Rowena, your words touch me. So many people have commented on this very post, and I am overwhelmed by all this love!
      I do hope that your friend made it out ok.
      Thank you so much for all this love!
      I did a lot of writing on Sunday and Monday, I initially planned to publish that today, but after time passed I opted for writing a more reflective post. Writing has helped digesting it. But the wounds are still open, it will take time for them to turn into scars and fade away.

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    1. Thank you Anabel! I think that everyone in Paris can sesnse this solidarity coming from everywhere in the world.
      I want the world to be safe for everyone.

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  6. Glad you are okay. Such a terrible thing, I hope and pray this will be the last such attack in the world but sadly I know it won’t be. I know I’m hugging my kids extra tight today. xx

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    1. It shows us that we are not safe anywhere. But I refuse to believe that we aren’t safe! Generally we are safe, but then there are always the little exceptions to the rules, just like French conjugation…
      thank you! show them your love every day!

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    1. Thank you Joanne, your hugs are very much appreciated. Life is slowly getting back to normal. Not for everyone though I fear…
      I hear a lot more police and ambulance sirens than normally, which makes me realise how astoundingly safe and quiet Paris normally is for a big city.

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  9. I’m so relieved you are safe. We spent most of last night on FaceTime with my daughter. Although she and her family live in the 16th I still worried. I love FaceTime, seeing her eased my angst. Take care.

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  10. One of my first thoughts this morning was of you. I am glad you are OK. This is bewildering. I wish we’d learn. I wish things would change.

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    1. Thank you Ula. I am so touched by all this love I received in the comments for this post. I am replying a bit every day.
      I share your wishes.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I don’t want to be vulnerable, but I am conscious that we are.
      You must be quite shaken too, seen that you were in Paris not all too long ago.
      Hugs

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  12. I am shocked, dismayed, and angry that people feel it is necessary to kill others, especially innocent, unarmed people. What does this horror prove… that the ISIS are bullies? I am terribly sorry that the attack was so close to you, above all I’m glad you are safe.

    Years ago some of my distant family, including toddlers, and a pregnant mom were violently murdered. They never found the murderer. After the sadness and shock comes anger. Again, how can someone murder innocent children. People have been hurting one another for thousands of years. I was hoping we would learn to get along instead the violence has become worse. How did we create this?

    Take good care of you! Know that many people stand with you and support you in this sadness.

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    1. Thank you Gwynn for your comment. I am so sorry for what happened in your family.
      I am overwhelmed by all of the support, luckily none of my family or friends have been touched.
      I do guess this pushed me to publish my love story today, the need for love and compassion!

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  14. Dear Solveig, I am relieved to hear that you are alright!!!
    When I was in the Air Force, we spent a lot of time learning about terrorism and terrorist tactics. The underlying premise to terrorism is to shock people, alter their habits of daily living. Do not let the terrorists win this one, you must continue to live out your day normally. By you not having coffee, they have won. They have accomplished what they set out to do. And multiply this by all the people that have been affected across the world by their acts, and they have really met their objectives. Stay safe my friend!!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you SD. What you are saying is so true! I learnt a lot about terrorism in school and at university. I dug out an essay I wrote about the effectiveness on the war on terror back in 2007/2008 and well my conclusion back then does very much correspond to what I would say today…
      When I lived in the US (suburbs of Philadelphia) on 9/11 our teachers said that we shall stay in school, keep on living and not become and easy target by blocking the roads earlier in the day.
      Again, thank you, I will try to stay safe, but even in safe places we are not safe 100%.

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  17. My heart goes out to you and all of your countrymen and women, and your friends in neighboring regions. The attacks were senseless and absolutely heart-wrenching.

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    1. Thank you. I still cannot grasp what happened, maybe I will never be able to do so. Thankfully I was at home in my bed, but I think of all the people who where there, who witnessed it, or who lost someone.

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  24. I’m glad you wrote, Solveig. There really aren’t words. Even now, nearly one week later. I walked along a nice, artsy, sweet street in Portland tonight, a street lined with cute shops, pubs, and cafes. When I passed a few pub windows showing friends and couples lingering over candlelight and beers, I suddenly kind of choked and nearly started to cry. I couldn’t figure out why. A few hours later, I realized I was subconsciously thinking of Paris and scenes like this that should never feel threatening or unsafe, where people come together over the most essential things in life: sharing food and conversation/love. ……

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    1. Dear Trista,
      thank you for your comment.
      I went to so many concerts in Paris, I had been to the Bataclan when I was 18, and I felt safe. I don’t know how many parents/18 year olds now feel when it comes to going out…
      Hugs.

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